Breastfeeding Comes Natural....Ha.

So my next thought is on breastfeeding. From the time we found out we were expecting going forward, I KNEW I would be breastfeeding. It wasn't even a question for me! Why would I not give my baby exactly what God intended me to give her? Ean and I took the classes, read the books, bought the pump - I was READY. Everyone said it "just comes naturally" so I couldn't wait to get started on the bonding! Gabby was born at 10:35pm on a Monday night. She was exhausted bc of the pitocin and such, so she pretty much slept all night. We tried to feed a couple of times, but she really wouldn't wake up - despite my best efforts of stripping her to her diaper, using a cold wipe, etc. So, the next morning we tried again. She latched on - didn't really hurt - so I was pumped!! Except, then her sugars started crashing. See, I had Gestational Diabetes...So, when Gabby came out, she had too much insulin going on and couldn't regulate her own sugars. They told me they'd give it some time, but if they kept going this direction, we would need to supplement and she'd need an IV. Talk about pressure! So we kept going at breastfeeding. But her sugars kept crashing. All the LC's and breastfeeding gurus warned me about supplementing and said basically that I was a bad mom if I chose to do this. But let me tell you, when the doctors are telling you that your daughter's health is in danger if her sugars don't start to regulate....supplementing is the least of your concerns. So we supplemented using a syringe. Her sugars still dropped, so she ended up with an IV in her head. If I NEVER have to see her go through something like that again, it will be too soon. We continued breastfeeding and eventually her sugars regulated. Now, like I mentioned earlier - she was born on a Monday...We weren't able to go home until Thursday because of her blood sugars. I figured my milk would be in by then or at least shortly after. Boy was I wrong. Friday came...nothing. Saturday came...nothing. Finally on Sunday I started seeing signs of milk. Problem was, on Saturday at Gabby's follow up appointment (because of the sugar problem) she had lost even more weight. She was born at 7.3 and was now down to 6.6. I know, all you breastfeeding supporters out there are saying, "Well, breastfed babies gain slower than formula fed...it's no big deal." And I agreed with you. But then came Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Gabby was up EVERY HOUR feeding for a half hour at a time. Mentally, I was ready for this. Physically, I was exhausted. At our next appointment on Tuesday, she was down to 6.5! Finally called a lactation consultant after a short nervous breakdown and after I had convinced myself that I was starving my child. She came to the house, gave me a nipple shield and I thought all our problems were solved! I could TELL Gabby was getting milk. Thank goodness! Well, went to the doctor on Friday and she still hadn't gained any weight. Seriously?!?!? On top of that, she kept fighting the breast. And we hadn't even been using a bottle at this point! By this time, I felt like a failure - like the worst mother on the planet. I mean, what's the deal here! I can't even breastfeed my daughter correctly! I literally spent hours crying. But then I put my big girl panties on and realized I just have to do what's best for Gabriella. And if that means supplementing with formula - then so be it. It was almost 2 weeks after her birth and she wasn't anywhere NEAR where she should be! So, I started pumping, giving that to her in a bottle and then supplementing with formula. This went on for a couple weeks, but after almost a month of only getting 1 ounce per 30 minute session, I quit that too. I know, awful, isn't it? I should be turned in to protective services. But you know what? To all those mom's out there that want to rag on formula feeding....Take a chill pill. It's not always the way mom's want to do it - but when your body doesn't cooperate, you don't have much choice. I still get to gaze into Gabby's big beautiful eyes when she's eating. I still get to stroke her cheek and talk softly to her. And she's finally gaining weight. After almost a month, she made it back to her birth weight. And as for me...I have peace of mind. I tried. I tried hard. But I lost the battle with nature. I'm ok with that. And I'm pretty sure Gabby will be too.